Easy breezy, kinda scary

Well, I want to start by saying, hopefully I won't jinx myself by writing this update! LOL

Past week and so far this week, I've been feeling great.

Didn't have an attack since Mother's Day, had a few days feeling funny here and there, but go straight to my breathing exercise and pressing my new "button" LOL!

Yep, I placed a vaccaria seed on my ear, part of auricular acupuncture. I used to do it back in Brazil, I have it on the anxiety/ hunger point.

I am not sure if it is working, or if it is the psychological effect , but I swear I feel much better.

I also have been meditating, except last week, sometimes I am so tired I just want to go to sleep.

I think as well, that Eric and I are working towards some goals, and Monday I just sent a check to the tax people to file the past taxes needed. After this we need to come up with a ton of money to do our bankruptcy. Not easy, when you are not making money... It is outrageous that you need money to pay a lawyer to tell the world you are broke! ha!

But I do feel, that things are getting better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

But back to the panic, even though I felt great, I repeated to myself :m "feels great to feel normal"

as crazy as it may sound.

Sad part is, that never for even one day I stopped thinking about the panic, if or when it is going to attack. I hate this feeling, the fear of the fear , the agony of an anticipation of something bad! I still have that little voice talking to me about it.

I pray for the day I won't have any thoughts about it, I pray a lot.

It just feel so good to know you are being a good wife and mom, that daily routines are just a breeze, that you don't have to call your husband to pick you up because you cannot drive. It feels so good...

I also realize, I should not take too many commitments in one week, like cakes and parties, etc. So I am learning to manage my time better. Speaking of time, I better go check on the dough I have raising, I am making a jaboticaba jelly braid...Yummm!

Aloha, a hui hou

Barely survived the week

Last week was crazy! I barely survived!

Fighting that cold and overworking myself, doing tamales, running to town, coming back home and baking for school, beautiful May Day at Amber's school and then back home to make the wedding cake.

Saturday and Sunday I was dead! We had planned to go out for lunch for Mother's day but I didn't feel well.

I thought I did pretty good considering I didn't have a panic attack until Sunday. But let me tell you, I never stopped thinking about it! Keep waiting for the alarm to go off and things go down hill. Luckily it didn't happen! What a relief.

But Sunday, I started coughing and had my chest pains, I kept doing my breathing and going to my happy place, should have taken a Xanax, but I thought it was under control.

Duhhh, it was not! I puked all my delicious curry that I prepared with so much love, even had bananas rolled in shredded coconut on the side.

Funny thing, I kept reaping to myself:"Right here, right now" and I had a different experience this time, it was almost like I knew it was just panic, no real reason for it, so when I was done puking, I had some relief and felt a bit better, like it wasn't lingering there.

Now, what amazes me is that I am about 10/7 days before my period. I keep telling my doctors it is hormonal but no one believes me, except for my therapist who acknowledge that it is possible .

I did my hormone blood test Tuesday, but still haven't heard from the nurse practitioner.

I think that whatever the result is, it won't change my belief that I am starting my premenopause.

My mom had it at 35, her aunt at 20 something, and I know it is hereditary.

Yesterday I had a pretty decent day, woke up funny, went to school with Ruby and took her friend with us, all was good.

Last night I woke up at 1 AM to pee and was up till 3:30 AM, very panicky and unable to fall back asleep. Today I am so tired and panicky again.

I also realize that I tend to have the attacks when I don't sleep well. Well, haven't slept well for the past 6 years! LOL

Got a compliment that I lost some weight at the pool, but the sad part is that even though I am very very VERY happy I lost 10 pounds, it was from all the panic and puking and pooping my pants. I joke a lot that is the only plus of my disease, but in my heart I don't find it funny at all.

I know I've been watching what I eat and that's why I didn't gain it back.

I am here sitting waiting for when Eric comes back and can feed the kids so I can go lay down.

Still pondering if I should take a Xanax or not...

This is so hard, I really want to try the no medication approach, just heard a friend tell me that 3 of her friends that took antidepressants killed themselves, another friend took it for two years and told me, do not take it, it only made her sick...

Part of my panic is related to take medication, I don't even take tylenol without telling Eric what I took with the fear that I may die...Crazy I know....

Please keep praying for me if you read my blog, and I will be praying for you and all the people that are suffering from this crippling disease, called panic disorder.

Aloha

Dani

Awesome days big Ironman for me

After the busy weekend, I had a great day today.

We went to two parties this weekend and I did pretty well. Saturday the party started at 4PM, but was only 30 min away from home, so I felt OK to go...kinda... Eric suggested me to take half Xanax before I left, but I decided to try without it. All went well, I had a few minutes of feeling weird, but it went away.

Sunday we went to the other party at the beach, the kids had a blast, I got sunburned . I woke up yesterday congested, so my not feeling well was actually from the cold.

Today I had a great day, baked in the morning, phone session with my therapist, clean the house, cooked dinner, and all I could think was: feels good to feel great! Even if i am sick!

So I don;t want to jinx myself, but I had some awesome days!

Now I will go to bed v=because tomorrow starts my Ironman Thriatlon! Yep, not really! LOL

But it will feel like it because I will need all the endurance, health and no panic to finish this week!

I have to deliver the cupcakes I baked today, then rush ti Costco e get more chicken for the 25 dozen tamales I will be making tomorrow and Wednesday, that's right ! I have to prepare and roll and steam 300 of those buggers! But hey, it is Cinco de Mayo! My chance to make a little to help with the bills. Then Thursday i have to deliver those and rush back home to bake a few cakes as donation for the school Mayday program. Friday is the big day , May day program at school then after school I have o rush home and bake a wedding cake for Saturday. Phew, see what I mean about my Ironman? LOl

Well, keep the prayers coming as mine goes to all the panic sufferers out there.

Peace out!