Once again, in limbo

Woke up this morning feeling funny, but was hopeful because I was going to see the nurse and discuss my lightheaded situation...

I wondered myself if I would get any answers...After waiting for an extend period of time, I walk into her office, and pretty much all she had to say was that I was a basket case, and the dizziness was probably from my panic! She tells me I am depressed and when I am ready to take some pills she will be ready to prescribe them.

She mention Klonopin, does anyone out there takes it? Another antidepressant, but part of my panic is related to taking medication, I am terrified! What about side effects, guess what ? First one is: "if you have suicidal thoughts inform your doctor"...Do I want to take those pills?

So I came home and had a terrible cause of crying my eyes out, feeling depressed(which I wasn't before!), called Eric and put him into stress... I feel like I am pushing him away from me with all my problems... I miss the time we met, when I was a happy , exciting girl, not a boring full of medical psychological crap going on.

How do I get back there? Yes, I would love to fit in my size 8 again, but now that doesn't even matter! I just want to be healthy and sane!

I feel the worst guilt ever! Cannot repeat that enough, I feel like I am pushing my husband away, sometimes I think he might just tell me he is done... He never says things like that, but my brain has a very active creativity in thinking how things could get worst instead of better.

Yeah, yeah...Think positive! Guess what? It is not working, I wish God touched my head and remove all these fears, bodily problems and made me good again. I've been trying to "Let go and let God", but it is so hard to just trust....

Feeling my chest pains again as I weep and write this blog.

I need to gather myself together and go pick up Amber and a friend at the bus stop.

If you are out there, my friends, a stranger and God, please pray for me, as I pray for all the people going through something like this out there.

I was having a good day...

SO today I took Ruby to Amber's school to be around the speech therapist, it was fun but obviously they keep telling me that my worries are not legit. Basically "it is age appropriate"!

Really? She can't say stick and says "dick" LOl, Castle is ca ol , and there on... Oh well...

But then I went to tow to give a good friend a hug, then to Walmart to pick up some wedding cake supplies...All was going well, met Eric at Lowes to help him with some flooring, grabbed lunch, but through out the day was feeling kinda funny, like hmmm, I want to say lightheaded but feels like it is in my vision too.

SO I picked up Amber drove home and start panicking about these feelings, went to my safe place (which is inside a very hot water bathtub), and got pulled out because Ruby pooped, I needed to wipe her! Yep, their needs come first!

When I was wiping her, started dry heaving and puked... Went to he other bathroom to finish puking, cried and asked God for forgiveness , and to please do not let me die... I still have much to live and raise my children..

Sounds crazy, but I have this immense fear of leaving the Earth too early... Meantime, Amber is crying because I am crying, and that is my most horrible moment, because I don't want them to suffer.

Eric called earlier, told me remember you are safe at home, but what if I faint or die , I keep teaching Amber how to dial daddy, or to go to the neighbor in case I don't wake up, or something go wrong.

I feel terrible, because this is a big burden for a little girl... I want my kids to have no worries, but yet, this body of mine keeps doing these wacky things!

I am going to see the nurse practitioner tomorrow, hopefully she can pinpoint what is wrong... I've been thinking that maybe all these "natural" aids like passion flora and valerian tea could be causing the ligthheadness... but then , it was helping with the anxiety...SO hard to figure it out...

Looking forward to go see an acupuncturist soon, it is just a matter of finding some money because it is not covered by insurance, but in the past I had good experiences with one back in Brazil.

Still, just looking for some answers, I do believe I am starting the change, but no doctor believe me, they all say that I haven't missed a period so it is not possible.

I can tell it is my hormones that are whacked! And once again I feel guilty because Eric has to deal with all this...

I thought the day was going good, but that is how it happens: Boom! All of a sudden, as I type I feel my chest hurt , like my heart hurts, and I am here in fear again that I might go to sleep and not wake up... It is a horrible way to live...

A better day

SO here is what happened Monday, after I left my appointment with my therapist, I decided to do a quick stop at my friend's store .

As I am talking to her , I felt like I was going to faint, totally lightheaded. It was freaking scary!

She told me to sit down and put the fan on my face.

We were just talking how all my panic, anxiety, migraines are all hormonal. She was telling me about this saliva test, and how she would help me get it if I wanted it.

I had to run, I could not stay one more minute, so I called Eric and met him at Lowes to pick up Ruby, he could see on my face something was wrong.

That poor man, I put him trough so much...

That was end of the day for him, he had to drive me home and leave his car at the house he was working on. Once again: The guilt!

I feel guilty putting him through all this, feel guilty when i do have a panic attack and puke and my children see that. Always when i gag brushing my teeth my poor children ask me if I am throwing up. I feel guilty Eric has to make dinner, bathe the kids, anything that I consider my share of the "job" of raising the kids. But by God, do I feel blessed this man is in my life! I could not do it without him, don't think another man would do any of that for me! And so happy to have God in my heart, because I know that no matter what, I am not alone on this.

I tell people that Panic attacks area lonely thing, because you can't stop them, no one can do anything for you to feel better, you just have to ride it and people are just spectators to your misery.

Eric once told me, he feels like when you see a car wreck and people are dying, his words were: "you mine as well be one of the dying people, because once you call 911 and you cannot help them or move them , it is a long agony to watch!"

In any way, today I had to drive him to work so he could get his car back, I had a better day, just know feeling a bit panicky but drinking my tea with Valerian, and have the kids in the bath ...

Which reminds me, gotta go, just wanted to let the world know I had a better day. Not good, not excellent, but better. There is hope after all...

Why I started this blog

I am a 42 year old mom, proud of my two beautiful daughters and my absolutely fantastic husband of almost 8 years.

I've been always a very active, happy go lucky kind of person. But things changed a few years ago after the birth of my first daughter...

I had to have a C-section because I was starting to have mild pre-eclampsia, which didn't really bothered me because I already had a scar form a small benign tumor removed from my ovaries/uterus when I was 25 years old.

So I had Amber 2 1/2 weeks earlier than my due date. Happy awesome moment to hold that creature in your arms! The masterpiece! The result of the love I've been searching for all my life, and I mean it! Took me three failed marriages/relationships to finally meet the man of my life, the one I am proud to be the father of my children!

At the time we used to live a block from the hospital, so after I gave birth I was feeling top shape and in agreement with the doctor decided to go home after the second day. A few hours later, I went to the bathroom and asked Eric to hold Amber for me. When I tried to get up from the toilet I fell on the ground shivering , could not stand up on my own. I was burning a 104 fever! Rushed back to the hospital and got kicked out of the birthing center!! Go figure, so got sent to the ER and was there for the whole night , X-rays, MRI, Catscan, you name it, they did it! And nothing found! Mind me telling you that I thought I was dying, and so did Eric, holding poor Amber that was barely welcomed to the world, wouldn't take a bottle, a syringe, , so every time they brought me back from a test, Eric would put her to my breast so she could feed. I kept having anxiety attacks(that's how it started!) trying to fall asleep and couldn't grasp my breath! So they gave me something for that, then I got nauseated, then they gave me something for that , and that gave me more anxiety!

Phew! Some smart ass after all that decided to run a blood test and realize I had an infection, who knows where, but they gave me higher doses of antibiotics and sent me to the room. Apparently this is common, that';s why they give you the antibiotics before you go in, wish someone had that test done first thing when I came back, it was torture for all of us!

When I opened my eyes at 5AM next morning, this angel nurse tells me: "You have an infection, but don't worry, everything will be all right!"

I stayed 5 days at the hospital, with my wonderful husband sleeping on the floor of the hospital because the chair they got him was awful! With Amber by the end of my bed...

They gave me valium because I was having these breathing anxiety attacks, every time I tried to fall asleep I would grasp for air, like I was suffocating.

Went home, things got better, then went to a psychiatrist because I thought I was getting post partum depression, that idiot told me that I was smiling too much so obviously I didn't have it!

For those who know me, I can be dying and I will still make jokes. Again, he was an idiot.

I think if I had been treated back then, things could be better now.

Then came Ruby, all good in the birthing department, C-section again, all good.

Well, 3 days at home and I was having dinner and felt like I couldn't breath , I tought I was dying again! My first real bad panic attack since Amber was born 3 1/2 years before.

I had my mom and sister and Eric with me, and nothing made me feel better! Next morning went to see my OBGY, he told me I needed a break, go outside. I asked if I could drive, he didn't recommended, but I still did, went to Walmart with my mom and sis, felt much better.

I thought it was over! This is good...

NOT! I can't recall when exactly I start feeling them again, but I had my prescription for Xanax, but still didn't wanted to take it. Don't know why! Still don't know why! Even though I do take them when I really need it, I still fight it.

So, I know I extended this too long, but the reason why I am writing this blog is to try to help my piece of mind and to truly help other people out there that are suffering from the same thing, and a little bit on the selfish side, maybe someone out there will have an answer to this, and a cure?

Feel free to comment your honest questions and opinions, as I will do the same!

Lots of Aloha

Dani