I was having a good day...

SO today I took Ruby to Amber's school to be around the speech therapist, it was fun but obviously they keep telling me that my worries are not legit. Basically "it is age appropriate"!

Really? She can't say stick and says "dick" LOl, Castle is ca ol , and there on... Oh well...

But then I went to tow to give a good friend a hug, then to Walmart to pick up some wedding cake supplies...All was going well, met Eric at Lowes to help him with some flooring, grabbed lunch, but through out the day was feeling kinda funny, like hmmm, I want to say lightheaded but feels like it is in my vision too.

SO I picked up Amber drove home and start panicking about these feelings, went to my safe place (which is inside a very hot water bathtub), and got pulled out because Ruby pooped, I needed to wipe her! Yep, their needs come first!

When I was wiping her, started dry heaving and puked... Went to he other bathroom to finish puking, cried and asked God for forgiveness , and to please do not let me die... I still have much to live and raise my children..

Sounds crazy, but I have this immense fear of leaving the Earth too early... Meantime, Amber is crying because I am crying, and that is my most horrible moment, because I don't want them to suffer.

Eric called earlier, told me remember you are safe at home, but what if I faint or die , I keep teaching Amber how to dial daddy, or to go to the neighbor in case I don't wake up, or something go wrong.

I feel terrible, because this is a big burden for a little girl... I want my kids to have no worries, but yet, this body of mine keeps doing these wacky things!

I am going to see the nurse practitioner tomorrow, hopefully she can pinpoint what is wrong... I've been thinking that maybe all these "natural" aids like passion flora and valerian tea could be causing the ligthheadness... but then , it was helping with the anxiety...SO hard to figure it out...

Looking forward to go see an acupuncturist soon, it is just a matter of finding some money because it is not covered by insurance, but in the past I had good experiences with one back in Brazil.

Still, just looking for some answers, I do believe I am starting the change, but no doctor believe me, they all say that I haven't missed a period so it is not possible.

I can tell it is my hormones that are whacked! And once again I feel guilty because Eric has to deal with all this...

I thought the day was going good, but that is how it happens: Boom! All of a sudden, as I type I feel my chest hurt , like my heart hurts, and I am here in fear again that I might go to sleep and not wake up... It is a horrible way to live...