Why? Why? Why?

Well, I haven't been posting because everything was going well.

I had a feeling that I was in control, having my moments but able to "control it"?

I thought it was because I was sleeping better, also I was certain that my meditations were helping...

Today I got a phone call from a friend that wants to hire me to clean their home which they are turning into a vacation rental. I know I am capable and able, but somehow I got very anxious about it. I will be meeting their managers on Sunday, but I almost hope that something will not work. Not sure why I feel this way. I know the quality of my work, I've been doing this for long enough, so why do I feel this way? Rich people's house are so much easier to clean, the house it totally clutter free, so is basically just good cleaning.

I've been talking to my fear trying to make friends with it like my therapist told me, but I go to the conclusion, the dumb ass is deaf! LOL

So I laid on the couch and was dozing off, but worried if the kids are ok in their rooms, when Eric called I almost puked on the phone, so i got up , kept breathing and sat here to blog to see if would help.

As of right now, my computer is still clean, so I hope stays like that.

I go back to my hormones, even though the doctor says I am not entering menopause, once again I got my period a week before I should, so in another words, I've been bleeding every 3 weeks, and it sucks! My face looks like a teenage face with so many breakouts. How can it be that the doctors don't see that? I have a prescription to go test my cortisol, B12 and magnesium, gotta go soon. really curious to see what i find out, and I mean, I find out because my doctor laughed at my face, but still requested it cause I asked for.

I guess it doesn't help that Eric has been way to stressed and having anxiety too, as well as some of his health issues. I just wish he would go see a doctor, but the man has a strong mind. Last time he was almost dyeing and still had to be pushed out of the door to go see the doctor. And then, again, doesn't help that his doctor is a ding dong too! It just scares me that if the worst happens and he dies, I will be so lost, I need him by me, my kids need him too! So I pray that he gets better ...

I hate , absolutely hate what I am feeling right now, seriously , I was feeling great! I just noticed it was almost a month that I was feeling good.

I wonder if it was because I didn't sleep good at all yesterday, Ruby woke up about 4 or 5 times, to go to the bathroom, but couldn't go. Then I got up early, but I think I was over exhausted from watching 6 kids yesterday. I barely ate! The kids were great , but I think it was too much too.

So, I ask: Why?Why? Why? Why this panic happens, why can't I get better? Why they can find cure for cancer but no one can fix this?

And again, gotta go give the kids a bath and think about dinner...

Also, I wish I knew how to make Eric feel better too, I know I stress him when I don't feel good, and seeing him stressed makes me anxious and therefore makes him unhappy...

Why, why, why.....