hummmm

As I siy here and cannot sleep, I think to myself...hummm, what else can I do? I already took a hot bathtub for 40 minutes, drank some valerian tea, did my breathing/meditation... It is almost midnight and I can't fall asleep... Help me Lord, as I would like to get up early and take my kids to see the parade tomorrow...This is one of the things I hate the most about this disease: When you start missing in life and make others go down with you.. My children are awesome kids, and they deserve better... Husband and therapist say don't be hard on yourself, but how can I? I feel powerless when I want to be relentless! I cry when I want to be laughing , I pray because I don't have anything else that I can do.

But sometimes it just sucks!

I will now try to go to bed, maybe blogging and letting it out will help me to sleep.

I also will do my "Ya man, let's count my blessings...: I am blessed I do have a husband that is extraordinary, and in the midst of his own frustration with so called friends , and his own anxiety and anger, takes the time to watch our children, feed the whole family and play game with them. He is the biggest blessing I can count, and most of the others come from having him in my life!"

So, there, my dear love, if you read this you know how I feel, I love you each day more if that is even possible, 10 years together and almost 8 married, I finally find peace in my heart to have found the perfect man to be my husband and father of my children!

Good night, or should I say good morning?

Why? Why? Why?

Well, I haven't been posting because everything was going well.

I had a feeling that I was in control, having my moments but able to "control it"?

I thought it was because I was sleeping better, also I was certain that my meditations were helping...

Today I got a phone call from a friend that wants to hire me to clean their home which they are turning into a vacation rental. I know I am capable and able, but somehow I got very anxious about it. I will be meeting their managers on Sunday, but I almost hope that something will not work. Not sure why I feel this way. I know the quality of my work, I've been doing this for long enough, so why do I feel this way? Rich people's house are so much easier to clean, the house it totally clutter free, so is basically just good cleaning.

I've been talking to my fear trying to make friends with it like my therapist told me, but I go to the conclusion, the dumb ass is deaf! LOL

So I laid on the couch and was dozing off, but worried if the kids are ok in their rooms, when Eric called I almost puked on the phone, so i got up , kept breathing and sat here to blog to see if would help.

As of right now, my computer is still clean, so I hope stays like that.

I go back to my hormones, even though the doctor says I am not entering menopause, once again I got my period a week before I should, so in another words, I've been bleeding every 3 weeks, and it sucks! My face looks like a teenage face with so many breakouts. How can it be that the doctors don't see that? I have a prescription to go test my cortisol, B12 and magnesium, gotta go soon. really curious to see what i find out, and I mean, I find out because my doctor laughed at my face, but still requested it cause I asked for.

I guess it doesn't help that Eric has been way to stressed and having anxiety too, as well as some of his health issues. I just wish he would go see a doctor, but the man has a strong mind. Last time he was almost dyeing and still had to be pushed out of the door to go see the doctor. And then, again, doesn't help that his doctor is a ding dong too! It just scares me that if the worst happens and he dies, I will be so lost, I need him by me, my kids need him too! So I pray that he gets better ...

I hate , absolutely hate what I am feeling right now, seriously , I was feeling great! I just noticed it was almost a month that I was feeling good.

I wonder if it was because I didn't sleep good at all yesterday, Ruby woke up about 4 or 5 times, to go to the bathroom, but couldn't go. Then I got up early, but I think I was over exhausted from watching 6 kids yesterday. I barely ate! The kids were great , but I think it was too much too.

So, I ask: Why?Why? Why? Why this panic happens, why can't I get better? Why they can find cure for cancer but no one can fix this?

And again, gotta go give the kids a bath and think about dinner...

Also, I wish I knew how to make Eric feel better too, I know I stress him when I don't feel good, and seeing him stressed makes me anxious and therefore makes him unhappy...

Why, why, why.....

Easy breezy, kinda scary

Well, I want to start by saying, hopefully I won't jinx myself by writing this update! LOL

Past week and so far this week, I've been feeling great.

Didn't have an attack since Mother's Day, had a few days feeling funny here and there, but go straight to my breathing exercise and pressing my new "button" LOL!

Yep, I placed a vaccaria seed on my ear, part of auricular acupuncture. I used to do it back in Brazil, I have it on the anxiety/ hunger point.

I am not sure if it is working, or if it is the psychological effect , but I swear I feel much better.

I also have been meditating, except last week, sometimes I am so tired I just want to go to sleep.

I think as well, that Eric and I are working towards some goals, and Monday I just sent a check to the tax people to file the past taxes needed. After this we need to come up with a ton of money to do our bankruptcy. Not easy, when you are not making money... It is outrageous that you need money to pay a lawyer to tell the world you are broke! ha!

But I do feel, that things are getting better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

But back to the panic, even though I felt great, I repeated to myself :m "feels great to feel normal"

as crazy as it may sound.

Sad part is, that never for even one day I stopped thinking about the panic, if or when it is going to attack. I hate this feeling, the fear of the fear , the agony of an anticipation of something bad! I still have that little voice talking to me about it.

I pray for the day I won't have any thoughts about it, I pray a lot.

It just feel so good to know you are being a good wife and mom, that daily routines are just a breeze, that you don't have to call your husband to pick you up because you cannot drive. It feels so good...

I also realize, I should not take too many commitments in one week, like cakes and parties, etc. So I am learning to manage my time better. Speaking of time, I better go check on the dough I have raising, I am making a jaboticaba jelly braid...Yummm!

Aloha, a hui hou

Barely survived the week

Last week was crazy! I barely survived!

Fighting that cold and overworking myself, doing tamales, running to town, coming back home and baking for school, beautiful May Day at Amber's school and then back home to make the wedding cake.

Saturday and Sunday I was dead! We had planned to go out for lunch for Mother's day but I didn't feel well.

I thought I did pretty good considering I didn't have a panic attack until Sunday. But let me tell you, I never stopped thinking about it! Keep waiting for the alarm to go off and things go down hill. Luckily it didn't happen! What a relief.

But Sunday, I started coughing and had my chest pains, I kept doing my breathing and going to my happy place, should have taken a Xanax, but I thought it was under control.

Duhhh, it was not! I puked all my delicious curry that I prepared with so much love, even had bananas rolled in shredded coconut on the side.

Funny thing, I kept reaping to myself:"Right here, right now" and I had a different experience this time, it was almost like I knew it was just panic, no real reason for it, so when I was done puking, I had some relief and felt a bit better, like it wasn't lingering there.

Now, what amazes me is that I am about 10/7 days before my period. I keep telling my doctors it is hormonal but no one believes me, except for my therapist who acknowledge that it is possible .

I did my hormone blood test Tuesday, but still haven't heard from the nurse practitioner.

I think that whatever the result is, it won't change my belief that I am starting my premenopause.

My mom had it at 35, her aunt at 20 something, and I know it is hereditary.

Yesterday I had a pretty decent day, woke up funny, went to school with Ruby and took her friend with us, all was good.

Last night I woke up at 1 AM to pee and was up till 3:30 AM, very panicky and unable to fall back asleep. Today I am so tired and panicky again.

I also realize that I tend to have the attacks when I don't sleep well. Well, haven't slept well for the past 6 years! LOL

Got a compliment that I lost some weight at the pool, but the sad part is that even though I am very very VERY happy I lost 10 pounds, it was from all the panic and puking and pooping my pants. I joke a lot that is the only plus of my disease, but in my heart I don't find it funny at all.

I know I've been watching what I eat and that's why I didn't gain it back.

I am here sitting waiting for when Eric comes back and can feed the kids so I can go lay down.

Still pondering if I should take a Xanax or not...

This is so hard, I really want to try the no medication approach, just heard a friend tell me that 3 of her friends that took antidepressants killed themselves, another friend took it for two years and told me, do not take it, it only made her sick...

Part of my panic is related to take medication, I don't even take tylenol without telling Eric what I took with the fear that I may die...Crazy I know....

Please keep praying for me if you read my blog, and I will be praying for you and all the people that are suffering from this crippling disease, called panic disorder.

Aloha

Dani

Awesome days big Ironman for me

After the busy weekend, I had a great day today.

We went to two parties this weekend and I did pretty well. Saturday the party started at 4PM, but was only 30 min away from home, so I felt OK to go...kinda... Eric suggested me to take half Xanax before I left, but I decided to try without it. All went well, I had a few minutes of feeling weird, but it went away.

Sunday we went to the other party at the beach, the kids had a blast, I got sunburned . I woke up yesterday congested, so my not feeling well was actually from the cold.

Today I had a great day, baked in the morning, phone session with my therapist, clean the house, cooked dinner, and all I could think was: feels good to feel great! Even if i am sick!

So I don;t want to jinx myself, but I had some awesome days!

Now I will go to bed v=because tomorrow starts my Ironman Thriatlon! Yep, not really! LOL

But it will feel like it because I will need all the endurance, health and no panic to finish this week!

I have to deliver the cupcakes I baked today, then rush ti Costco e get more chicken for the 25 dozen tamales I will be making tomorrow and Wednesday, that's right ! I have to prepare and roll and steam 300 of those buggers! But hey, it is Cinco de Mayo! My chance to make a little to help with the bills. Then Thursday i have to deliver those and rush back home to bake a few cakes as donation for the school Mayday program. Friday is the big day , May day program at school then after school I have o rush home and bake a wedding cake for Saturday. Phew, see what I mean about my Ironman? LOl

Well, keep the prayers coming as mine goes to all the panic sufferers out there.

Peace out!

Once again, in limbo

Woke up this morning feeling funny, but was hopeful because I was going to see the nurse and discuss my lightheaded situation...

I wondered myself if I would get any answers...After waiting for an extend period of time, I walk into her office, and pretty much all she had to say was that I was a basket case, and the dizziness was probably from my panic! She tells me I am depressed and when I am ready to take some pills she will be ready to prescribe them.

She mention Klonopin, does anyone out there takes it? Another antidepressant, but part of my panic is related to taking medication, I am terrified! What about side effects, guess what ? First one is: "if you have suicidal thoughts inform your doctor"...Do I want to take those pills?

So I came home and had a terrible cause of crying my eyes out, feeling depressed(which I wasn't before!), called Eric and put him into stress... I feel like I am pushing him away from me with all my problems... I miss the time we met, when I was a happy , exciting girl, not a boring full of medical psychological crap going on.

How do I get back there? Yes, I would love to fit in my size 8 again, but now that doesn't even matter! I just want to be healthy and sane!

I feel the worst guilt ever! Cannot repeat that enough, I feel like I am pushing my husband away, sometimes I think he might just tell me he is done... He never says things like that, but my brain has a very active creativity in thinking how things could get worst instead of better.

Yeah, yeah...Think positive! Guess what? It is not working, I wish God touched my head and remove all these fears, bodily problems and made me good again. I've been trying to "Let go and let God", but it is so hard to just trust....

Feeling my chest pains again as I weep and write this blog.

I need to gather myself together and go pick up Amber and a friend at the bus stop.

If you are out there, my friends, a stranger and God, please pray for me, as I pray for all the people going through something like this out there.

I was having a good day...

SO today I took Ruby to Amber's school to be around the speech therapist, it was fun but obviously they keep telling me that my worries are not legit. Basically "it is age appropriate"!

Really? She can't say stick and says "dick" LOl, Castle is ca ol , and there on... Oh well...

But then I went to tow to give a good friend a hug, then to Walmart to pick up some wedding cake supplies...All was going well, met Eric at Lowes to help him with some flooring, grabbed lunch, but through out the day was feeling kinda funny, like hmmm, I want to say lightheaded but feels like it is in my vision too.

SO I picked up Amber drove home and start panicking about these feelings, went to my safe place (which is inside a very hot water bathtub), and got pulled out because Ruby pooped, I needed to wipe her! Yep, their needs come first!

When I was wiping her, started dry heaving and puked... Went to he other bathroom to finish puking, cried and asked God for forgiveness , and to please do not let me die... I still have much to live and raise my children..

Sounds crazy, but I have this immense fear of leaving the Earth too early... Meantime, Amber is crying because I am crying, and that is my most horrible moment, because I don't want them to suffer.

Eric called earlier, told me remember you are safe at home, but what if I faint or die , I keep teaching Amber how to dial daddy, or to go to the neighbor in case I don't wake up, or something go wrong.

I feel terrible, because this is a big burden for a little girl... I want my kids to have no worries, but yet, this body of mine keeps doing these wacky things!

I am going to see the nurse practitioner tomorrow, hopefully she can pinpoint what is wrong... I've been thinking that maybe all these "natural" aids like passion flora and valerian tea could be causing the ligthheadness... but then , it was helping with the anxiety...SO hard to figure it out...

Looking forward to go see an acupuncturist soon, it is just a matter of finding some money because it is not covered by insurance, but in the past I had good experiences with one back in Brazil.

Still, just looking for some answers, I do believe I am starting the change, but no doctor believe me, they all say that I haven't missed a period so it is not possible.

I can tell it is my hormones that are whacked! And once again I feel guilty because Eric has to deal with all this...

I thought the day was going good, but that is how it happens: Boom! All of a sudden, as I type I feel my chest hurt , like my heart hurts, and I am here in fear again that I might go to sleep and not wake up... It is a horrible way to live...